CBT Tips for Beating Perfectionism: Managing Holiday Stress and Setting Intentions for 2025
The combination of extra demands and the typical stress around the holidays can lead many to fall into the trap of rigid thinking and believing that life should be flawless. If you’re already prone to anxiety, the season’s pressures can intensify these feelings. Perfectionism is something that cognitive-behavioral therapists encounter frequently, especially during this time of year. Here are some effective CBT-based tips to help you manage your stress and perfectionism during the rest of 2023 and into the New Year.
1. Do Not Strive for Flawless
Perfectionism often manifests as self-imposed expectations followed by harsh judgments about yourself, others, or situations. When you’re constantly with yourself, you notice every small mistake and build a list of perceived failures. Focusing on these mistakes can lead to self-criticism and a tendency to see only the negative aspects of yourself. This thought pattern can lead to feelings of depression, low self-esteem, and frustration—none of which are helpful to you or the people who care about you.
When perfectionist thoughts start to take over, it’s important to counter them with a CBT technique called a “positive data log.” This involves intentionally writing down “good enough” events or situations where things turned out fine despite being imperfect. By recognizing these moments, you can train yourself to view things more flexibly and objectively. Over time, this can help you develop a more balanced perspective on life’s imperfections.
2. Stop Comparing
In today’s world of social media, unrealistic advertising, and other perfection-driven messages, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life to an idealized version of others’ lives. For perfectionists, it’s even harder to step back and assess reality. When we compare ourselves, we often measure our lives against someone we perceive as “better” in some way.
If you find that certain people—whether co-workers, exes, or family members—are fueling your feelings of inadequacy, consider muting or unfollowing them during the holiday season. Remind yourself that social media rarely reflects reality accurately, and it’s okay to take a break from it, especially over the holidays.
3. Temper Family Expectations
The holidays can stir up a lot of emotional stress, and when combined with perfectionistic tendencies, they can lead to even more tension. There’s enough pressure around this time of year without the added weight of unrealistic expectations. It’s essential to recognize that while you can’t control your family’s actions or behaviors, you have control over how you react.
Trying to change others can be frustrating, like repeatedly entering the wrong PIN at the store checkout. As the stress builds, so does your frustration. Instead of insisting on changing others or holding onto unproductive expectations, focus on modifying your actions. Remember, you can’t control everything, but you can control your responses.
4. Beat Perfectionism by Shifting Perspectives—A CBT Experiment
On days when everything feels off-track, take a moment to pause and consider how much worse things could be. This simple shift in perspective can help break the cycle of negative thinking. Here are three more tricks to engage your positive lens:
Incorporate a Daily Gratitude Practice: According to CBT research, practicing gratitude can significantly improve mental health, sleep, and self-esteem. Each morning or evening, jot down 5 things you’re grateful for. Apps like the 5 Minute Journal make this easy and quick to integrate into your routine.
Acknowledge Your Power: CBT emphasizes our power to choose which thoughts to focus on. By intentionally directing your attention to positive thoughts and reframing challenges, you can gain greater control over your mental and emotional experience. This is key in fostering a more compassionate and empowered outlook on life.
Take a Breather: Meditation isn’t just for yoga retreats—it’s a powerful tool for managing perfectionism and anxiety. It doesn’t require an hour of quiet time or complex techniques. Check out this recent blog post, Can’t Meditate? Think Again: 10 of the Best CBT Hacks to Trick Your Brain into Bliss, for practical ways to incorporate mindfulness into your day.
Looking Ahead: 2025 and Beyond
As we wrap up 2023 and step into the New Year, it’s a great time to reflect on your mental health goals and set intentions for a more balanced, realistic approach to life. Remember, the holiday season doesn’t have to be perfect. Embrace the chaos, laugh at the mistakes, and prioritize moments of joy over flawless moments. Perfectionism can’t thrive in an environment where you celebrate progress, not perfection.
In Part 3, I’ll dive into CBT approaches for coping with loneliness over the holidays—another key issue many face at this time of year. As always, I’d love to hear how these tips work for you and if you’ve found other strategies to manage perfectionism.
Enjoy the rest of your month, and try experimenting with these new tools as you prepare for a positive and fulfilling start to 2024!
Holiday Stress can be challenging. Look around any store, and you’ll find early reminders of what’s ahead of us- spending quality time with people we love, great food, fabulous parties, and more. Of course, we all hope our holiday season will be made of these, but that’s not always the case. Even in the best of situations, people struggle with excessive commitments, social anxiety, fallouts with loved ones, unrealistic expectations, and financial pressures. If any of those sound familiar, you may be wondering how to get on top of your mental health this year. In this 4-part series, you will find a way to manage the top holiday mental health concerns and start your 2025 fresh instead of frazzled.
Start Now, Not Later to Manage Holiday Stress
November can feel too soon to consider digging into holiday preparation, but if you want to enjoy some bliss this December, start the ball rolling now. Planning helps you take back control, and the time to plan your upcoming season is here! Managing the extra demands on your time early in the game is much easier. Why? You are more objective when you are not in a time crunch.
Tip #1: Give Yourself Time
One of the most effective ways to kick the holiday stress is to use planning to your advantage. A helpful rule during this time of the year is to assume everything will take 2 times as long as you think. When you plan upcoming errands, it can be hard to remember how time-consuming many of the demands are. This can lead to overbooking and excessive commitments, which leads to unnecessary anxiety.
Tip #2: Don’t Forget Yourself
It is easy to get so caught up in the swirl of holiday activities you forget to spend time with yourself. Reserving some personal time will help you keep what is important in perspective and help you manage stress during the holidays. We are vulnerable to poor moods when we neglect to care for ourselves. Need ideas? Check out some clever ways to enjoy the moment in front of you.
Tip #3: Prioritize
This holiday season, ask yourself honestly: what and who is truly important? What can go to the side if I begin to feel overwhelmed or rushed? Although it can be hard, learn to say no to things you do not want or need to do. If you need help figuring out how to prioritize, look to your values. Values, not external expectations, will guide you during this time. Need to know what your core values are? Don’t know what your core values are? Here is a great exercise to figure out what is truly important to you so you can put your priorities in order.
Tip #4: Practice Mindful Gifting
We all know this state of awareness is the best way to go about our day. You may not have known is you can also practice mindful gifting. When we have time to be leisurely about purchasing gifts, we tend to think more deeply about the person we are gifting for. If you take this time now, your gifts will mean much more to the recipient and yourself. Set aside time for reflection, list each receiver, and write down what they genuinely like and enjoy. Watch for clues if you still need to learn more about the recipient.
Holiday Stress, Anxiety and Depression
Holiday stress and depression can extend into your new year if not dealt with sooner than later. The tips and tricks above help answer the question of establishing holiday stress management tools through planning. However, there may be times when you need more help to deal with your anxiety. Finding the best cognitive behavioral therapist for you can be another tool when dealing with the holiday blues.
Responsibility Pie: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Shame and Guilt
It’s easy to think we are solely responsible for negative events. Whether it’s a failed relationship, a mistake at work, or a personal setback, this tendency to internalize all the blame can be overwhelming. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) uses an approach for this common issue through a simple but highly effective tool called the Responsibility Pie. This method helps individuals break down and accurately assign responsibility, providing a balanced view of situations. It benefits those who struggle with guilt, shame, or over-responsibility in various areas of life. Here’s how the Responsibility Pie in therapy for guilt and shame and why it can be a game-changer for managing distorted thinking.
What is the Responsibility Pie?
The Responsibility Pie is a cognitive tool developed by Dr. Christine Padesky that allows individuals to visualize responsibility as a pie chart. By breaking down complex or emotionally charged situations into parts, people can see that multiple factors—and often other individuals—contribute to outcomes. Instead of assigning 100% of the blame to oneself, the Responsibility Pie helps distribute that burden more fairly among all the influencing factors.
The primary purpose of this exercise is to encourage objective thinking, reduce self-blame, and ultimately promote a more balanced perspective of challenging events.
Why Do We Need the Responsibility Pie?
We all havecognitive distortions; sometimes, these aren’t very helpful. One common distortion is personalization, where individuals believe they are responsible for things beyond their control. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or overwhelm. The Responsibility Pie is a tool used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for shame and guilt to challenge and correct this type of distorted thinking.
By mapping out the different contributors to a situation, individuals can begin to see their role more clearly—and in many cases, they realize that they’ve been taking on far more responsibility than they should.
How to Use the Responsibility Pie in 5 Steps
Here’s a simple breakdown of how you can apply the Responsibility Pie to a real-life situation:
Identify the Situation
First, think of a specific event in which you feel a strong sense of guilt or shame. This could be something like missing a deadline at work, arguing with a loved one, or feeling responsible for someone else’s distress.
List All Possible Factors
Write down all the factors that contributed to the outcome. Make sure to include everything—external factors, other people’s roles, and your actions (your behaviors go last). For instance, if the event is missing a work deadline, the factors might be:
Confusing instructions from your boss
Unexpected personal events (family issues, illness)
A colleague who failed to submit their part on time
Technical problems with your computer
Your procrastination
Create the Pie
Draw a circle and divide it into slices representing the different contributing factors. Each slice should be proportional to how much responsibility you believe that factor holds. For example, if your colleague’s failure contributed 30%, you would assign them a larger slice than a technical glitch that caused only a minor delay.
Assign Responsibility
As you fill in the pie, assign each contributing factor a percentage. Ensure that the total adds up to 100%. This process forces you to think critically about each element, giving you a clear visual representation of how much responsibility truly lies with you versus others or external circumstances.
Reflect and Reframe
Once your pie is complete, step back and reflect. Does it make sense? Were you initially assigning yourself too much blame? How does this new, more balanced distribution of responsibility feel? Often, this visual breakdown helps individuals reframe their thinking, reducing the emotional intensity of guilt or blame.
Why the Responsibility Pie Works in CBT Therapy for Shame
The Responsibility Pie works because it challenges automatic negative thoughts—those immediate, often inaccurate beliefs we hold about ourselves and situations. By visually assigning responsibility, the pie encourages cognitive restructuring, a core element of CBT that involves replacing distorted thoughts with more realistic and balanced ones.
Here’s why the Responsibility Pie is so effective:
Challenging Overgeneralization: Often, when people feel responsible for an adverse event, they generalize that feeling, believing that everything that went wrong was their fault. The Responsibility Pie helps to stop this thinking pattern by identifying and acknowledging all factors involved.
Reducing Emotional Overload: Excessive responsibility can be emotionally overwhelming. By distributing responsibility more fairly, the tool helps reduce feelings of guilt, shame, and stress.
Increasing Objectivity: It’s difficult to think clearly when emotions are running high. The pie chart format introduces logic into the equation, making it easier to assess situations objectively.
Promoting Personal Accountability in a Healthy Way: The Responsibility Pie does not let individuals off the hook for their role in a situation. Instead, it supports healthy accountability by ensuring that individuals take responsibility where it’s due—without overburdening themselves with guilt or shame for things beyond their control.
Example: Using the Responsibility Pie
Let’s walk through an example of how the Responsibility Pie might work in a real-world context. Imagine you feel overwhelmingly guilty for a family argument. Initially, you may think you’re entirely to blame because you said something hurtful. But when you use the Responsibility Pie, the situation looks different:
30%: Your family member’s escalating response
25%: Miscommunication
15%: Long-standing unresolved tension between family members
10%: Stress from external factors (work, financial pressures)
20%: Your hurtful comment
After completing the pie, you may see that your actions, while still important, were not the sole cause of the argument. Recognizing this can ease the burden of guilt and lead to a more nuanced understanding of the situation.
Conclusion
The Responsibility Pie is an invaluable tool within the CBT framework. It helps individuals in therapy for shame manage guilt and approach situations with a clearer, more balanced perspective. The tool provides a pathway to healthier thinking and emotional relief by breaking down responsibility into manageable parts.
Whether used in a therapeutic setting or as part of personal self-reflection, the Responsibility Pie empowers individuals to challenge distorted thoughts and cultivate a more compassionate, realistic view of their role in life’s challenges.
Video- How Does a Therapist Treat Anxiety Disorder? An Introduction to CBT Skills
If you are reading this, chances are you already know that symptoms of stress can feel overwhelming and, if untreated, can evolve into an anxiety disorder. The good news is understanding the biological roots can be the first step toward success. In this video, ‘Master Your Mind: Essential CBT Skills for Anxiety Symptoms,’ Dr. Rosalie Zuniga from Postpartum Wellness and I discuss what information I provide to clients in the first stages of anxiety treatment. If you want to know about the mind-body connection when you experience anxiety symptoms, check out the first part of this video to dive into the biology of stress. You can find more content in the second part if you’d like to try some practical strategies for managing anxiety disorder. Are you curious but not ready to watch the whole video? You can find an overview below.
The Biological Roots of Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety is more than an emotion; it’s an interplay of biology and psychology. The ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn’ response is an instinct we have to stress or danger. This is also known as the ‘stress response’. In the modern world, this is not particularly useful. In very few situations, this phenomenon may be helpful (like if a bear is chasing you). However, when we ruminate about our fears, our brain believes we are actually in physical danger, and if it persists, it can evolve into an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety Symptoms
The symptoms of anxiety can vary but have some specific themes:
Excessive Worry: Constant, uncontrollable worry about everyday things.
Physical Anxiety Symptoms: These can include increased heart rate, sweating, trembling, dizziness, and shortness of breath.
Trouble Concentrating: Difficulty focusing on tasks or making decisions.
Sleep Problems: Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or restless sleep.
Avoidance: Avoiding situations that cause anxiety can impact daily life and activities.
Panic Attacks: Sudden episodes of intense fear or discomfort, often accompanied by physical symptoms like chest pain or a feeling of choking.
It’s the Thought that Counts
As you have learned, biological reactions to specific triggers creates the stress response. It’s just as important to recognize that avoidance of triggers and catastrophizing will feed the belief that we can’t handle our complex emotions, which leads to anxiety. Below is a helpful equation from Dr. Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Dangerous Thinking + Helpless Thinking = Level of Anxiety Symptoms
Dangerous Thinking:
Imagine someone who experiences a setback at work, such as not receiving the promotion they expected. They might engage in dangerous thinking by catastrophizing the situation. For instance:
“I failed, which confirms I’m not good enough. What if people find out? Everyone at work will know I’m incompetent.”
Helpless Thinking:
Helpless thinking involves believing that whatever the imagined catastrophe is, they will not be able to handle it.
Using the same situation, this person may think, ‘I am so embarrassed, and now I have to go to work after this rejection. I’ll be in the bathroom crying all day. I will sit in silence in meetings, and I won’t be able to be of any use now because I’ll be a mess. I don’t think I’ll be able to date because I’ll just keep thinking about how inferior I am.’
CBT in Action:
The video ‘Transform Your Anxiety Symptoms: CBT Skills to Help You Feel Better’ discusses several interventions, such as ‘Decatastrophizing the Fear (Worst Case Scenario)’ and the ‘What Ifs’ to examine and test dangerous thoughts.
Although in a stressed state, we overpredict dangerous outcomes, the reality is that the worst case can happen. Our helpless thinking kicks in when we anticipate we can’t handle the worst-case scenario. I will ask my clients, ‘How could you cope in a healthy and strong way?’ ‘Is there a way you visualize managing the catastrophe in a way you would be proud of?’ My clients who come to me for anxiety treatment in San Diego often will hear me joke that we are not the fragile flowers we believe we are. All humans can survive and thrive under challenging circumstances, which is a vital understanding to manage anxious thoughts.
Where to Find More Information: Therapy in San Diego
For more details about this insightful session and to explore additional resources, visit Therapy in San Diego and Postpartum Wellness. If you are curious about your anxiety symptoms and wonder if you would benefit from treatment, head to Anxiety Treatment in San Diego – Assessment to see where you land on the anxiety disorder scale.
What are Core Beliefs and Why are they so Important to Our Mental Health?
Core beliefs are deeply ingrained convictions that individuals hold about themselves, others, and the world around them. These arefundamental to one’s sense of self and play a significant role in shaping thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Core beliefs are often formed early in life through various experiences, interactions, and socialization.
These thoughts tend to be stable over time unless they are consciously challenged and modified. Positive core beliefs contribute to a healthy self-esteem and resilient mindset, while negative core beliefs can lead to self-doubt, low self-worth, and psychological distress.
Examples of core beliefs include:
– I am unlovable and unworthy of affection
– I am worthy of love and respect
– I am incompetent and destined to fail
– I am capable enough
– I am fundamentally flawed and defective
– I am deserving of success and happiness
– Others will always reject or betray me
– Others are generally trustworthy and kind
It’s easy to see how core beliefs serve as the lens through which individuals interpret their experiences and perceive themselves and the world at a subconscious level. These are the ‘roots’ of our psychological tree, and it takes conscious and consistent efforts to change.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), these core beliefs are a central focus. Cognitive behavioral therapists work with clients to identify and challenge negative core beliefs, replacing them with more adaptive and constructive beliefs. This process, known as cognitive restructuring, helps individuals develop a healthier self-concept and achieve greater emotional well-being.
One exercise I use in my CBT practice is a positive data log:
It’s important to note that the goal is to not convince yourself of the opposite of your core belief, but more of a balanced perception of yourself. ‘I’m good enough’ doesn’t allude to ‘I’m perfect’.
Step 3: List evidence from your recent experiences that contradict or challenge the core belief.
These would be instances where you succeeded, received positive feedback, or felt valued. The more specific the evidence, the more helpful it will be. Additionally, it’s very important to recognize the small pieces of evidence we may be ignoring.
Some evidence may look like this:
– My friend Mark called me to say ‘hi’
– I completed my grocery shopping on my own
– I didn’t get fired today
– Barbara laughed when I made a joke
– A stranger made small talk with me
– My dog was excited to see me when I got home
Last words on Positive Data Logs
Be Patient
Adding to this this positive data log every day can help reinforce useful self-beliefs and challenge negative thinking patterns. This is a long-term practice; we spend our whole lives living through a certain lens, so it takes time to shift. Patience is key here! Many people find that a therapist or other support is vital to stay accountable and also to review and process the evidence collected.
Expect Your Brain to Push Back
It’s natural to find yourself hearing ‘yes but’ after writing down evidence that contradicts our core beliefs. If you find you are having trouble accepting the new evidence, be gentle and remind yourself that you will have time to focus on the opposing data, but for now, you are just collecting some positive information.
Positive data logs are an effective, CBT based method of challenging the unhelpful ways we view ourselves and our world. Used consistently, you can find yourself shifting into a more balanced and rewarding mindset.
We all want to accomplish our New Year’s resolutions, but often we miss the mark. It’s exciting to embark on a adventure, but when the shine wears off we often drop the ball. Why don’t you make 2024 different?
The following are 7 tips to help you stick with your resolutions and succeed!
Tip #1: Stick to One Goal
As a cognitive behavioral therapist I almost always assign my clients homework. At the beginning of our work together we design the exercises to be very small. Once someone gains traction moving forward is much less effort and almost organic, so keep this in mind.
When deciding on a New Years’ resolution, stick to the one thing and keep it achievable.
Use the feeling of overwhelm as a helpful guide.
When you feel overwhelmed, you get discouraged.
When you get discouraged, you are more likely to quit at the first sign of difficulty.
Try to find a goal that is small, and cut it by half. You will most likely build momentum as you move forward.
Tip #2: Keep Resolutions Measurable
The best way to keep your resolution measurable is to start small. Begin by taking baby steps once a day. If your resolution is to hydrate, drink one more glass of water a day. If you want to stop drinking soda, start by drinking one less a day. Over time, these little changes add up to help you reach your goal. In addition, try to be mindful of your goal throughout the day. When you remember, take a micro-step toward achievement.
Tip #3: Anticipate Barriers
Before you even try to enact your resolution, make a list of the barriers you anticipate in the process. Ask yourself what self-defeating roadblocks you have encountered in past efforts. Then, ask yourself what you see as impeding your future efforts.
These could sound like thoughts such as, “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t have time”.
You may also notice yourself engaging in sabotaging self-talk such as, “I deserve a break” or “I’m not motivated”.
Now, write down your personal barriers.
Afterward, record what you are going to do the next time this barrier rears its head. In your quest for a change, you are bound to hit upon this resistance. At its root, resistance is a reaction founded in fear. Taking little steps are the best way to get to where you are going.
Here are some ways to cope with the fear of change
An advantages card can be made of anything you want. Some people like to use a notecard, while others write on mirrors or dry erase boards. The content is simple. Just make a list of all the reasons why you want to accomplish your goal. Maybe you want to lose weight to become healthier, or maybe you have a specific clothing size you want to hit.
Read your list twice a day, really reflecting on why you want to accomplish your goals. In times of extremely self-defeating thoughts, it is recommended by cognitive behavioral therapists that you read your advantages card as needed.
Tip #5: Accept You Will Have Bumps
It is important not only to realize but also to accept you will slip up along the way. There are instances when you will be barraged with berating thoughts and crumble under the pressure. However, do not use a mess up to engage in all or nothing thinking! When you encounter a bump in the road, do not give up! For example: when you smoke that cigarette and you break the resolution once, do not throw in the towel and buy a whole pack. We will all lapse, but we don’t have to relapse. In order to make a habit your small behaviors will take a minimum of 3 weeks. Those small behaviors will lead to reaching your resolution goal by the end of the year. Be patient and practice self-compassion, especially when you inevitably mess up!
Tip #6: Ask Someone to Hold You Accountable
This tip sounds as though it would be easy. However, it can be the most difficult, especially if you are allergic to criticism. That is why it is important to find someone you trust and respect to hold you accountable to reaching your resolution. Although you may want to fight them, you will be more likely to listen when you know they are giving advice with good intentions. A good CBT therapist holds their clients accountable by assigning homework and expecting follow-through, so don’t be afraid to seek out professional guidance if you are having difficulty finding external support.
Tip #7: Make a Plan
When you make your plan, focus on the small steps and not the goal. Instead of writing down “I will lose 20 lbs this year”, break that larger resolution down into more manageable steps. This could look like, ‘I will drink more water’ and ‘do 10 jumping jacks a day’.
After you accomplish small successes, find a way to celebrate! Don’t skip this step, because it is extremely important. When you reward yourself, your brain will remember the dopamine rush and be more willing to do your bidding. Keep in mind the reward does not have to be big- many of my clients will say out loud ‘gold star!’ when they do something good. That’s the cognitive behavioral way of imprinting the good stuff into our brains in a fun and positive way.
Check out this blog from TED to give you some motivation!
The combination of extra demands and the typical stress around the holidays can lead many to fall into the trap of rigid thinking and believing that life should be flawless. If you’re already prone to anxiety, the season’s pressures can intensify these feelings. Perfectionism is something that cognitive-behavioral therapists encounter frequently, especially during this time of year. Here are some effective CBT-based tips to help you manage your stress and perfectionism during the rest of 2023 and into the New Year.
Start Now, Not Later to Manage Holiday Stress
steps once a day. If your resolution is to hydrate, drink one more glass of water a day. If you want to stop drinking soda, start by drinking one less a day. Over time, these little changes add up to help you reach your goal. In addition, try to be mindful of your goal throughout the day. When you remember, take a micro-step toward achievement.